lebid's Xanga

Great Night

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 01:28:00 GMT

Last night was one of the best night i will never ever forget in my entire life,it all started at 3pm at the park sunshine session with us setting up and dropping down some tunes from dj shah and as well as other anjuna favourites,alexia and david arrived about 4 something to spin and we were having so so much fun while they were playing,honestly i have to say that i was very very impressed with their set,along with ralph from beatdrop music they were killing the decks.

Me and wilson were up next,i have to say that we perform extremely well last night with favourite tunes like daniel kandi's on a good day remix and as well as our own rework like the unprepared bliksem,or our version of atb's long way home,the vibe was great people was great everybody was having fun,nobody was complaining and everybody just got together. Apart from that Hans and Bonebrew drop a very very good set after us when we deided to move down to the baseball field. This party just reminds me that life's simplest things are free,and people just getting together like this and just partying just made me super happy :) i was so glad that everybody would come together and just have this awesome vibe going on :)

I love and cherish each and every one of you,and i will never forget that magical day that this happened

love
elvin

2 weeks

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 22:24:30 GMT

2 weeks down the road,i have gone through so much..so i decided to delete her from my facebook,from my phone from everything else that i could keep in contact with her because everytime when i tought about her or even see her,my heart just drop and my life just ends..for like 5 seconds i wud have those flashback in the back of my head and i cant do anything about it.

it all started out when i flew all the way to wisconsin on her birthday to suprise her,on day 2 she told me she like some guy which she knows for like a couple years now,but the funny thing is that she only sees him less than like 5 times a year maybe because she hardly goes back,i dont know anything about this guy..and throughout the whole relationship i was trying to prevent something like this from happening but the main thing is happening infront of me,i told myself i give her 4 weeks to think about it maybe when she returns to california she will see how important we are to each other and all that,but in the end her mind hasnt change at all,i dint want to tell her to choose me because that seems very selfish,i told her that i want her to choose but no matter what i want her to pick a choice because i don't want to be lead on or to lead on the other guy,if this whole thing went thru her mind and she still could'nt pick me i guess this whole 4 month was a waste,nothing was worth it,every single little thing that i did for her are to down the drain,with nothing else..2 weeks after we came back,i finally had enough of it..at night i was looking at the fire scar that she gave to me in wisconsin 4 weeks ago,she told me that she could'nt pick because she dsoent want to hurt either of us and that she dosent want to be blame for the decision that she did,how can a person be more selfish than that?putting themself in a state higher than anybody else and expect me and him to do the decision for her. I could recall the pain just like last night and when i was screaming in pain at night all she did was to write letters to the guy?to tell the truth where was i?where was i then?where did i stand?what did i do to deserve that? well to make it short she basically tried to spit fire and spit it towards me and my arm was severly burned pretty bad.

i saw the burn that wilson had from about a year ago when we started to spin fire poi and basically it never went away and i personally think that the scar would never go away,not once in my life have i ever raised my voice at her,not once in my life has i ever raised my hand at her..and i had to take all of the bullets that were flying my way like a super humanbeing. Just thinking about how i call her and end the whole thing kinda put me in the mood for some loud minimal trance,i just basically finally have the balls to stood up to her and tell her all the things that i have been keeping for so long when i was with her,and with all of that i have no idea what came to me when i saw her coming over to my place and grab her stuff i felt so depressed,i decided to ask her about how it would be like if we were back together,and she told me that the things i said were so nasty that she could never looked passed it but have she ever tought about the things that she said to me and not once have i ever tought about breaking up with her or not looking through it,i told her that for once in my life i have to think about myself and think about my own well being because i cant just take this emotional rape anymore,it felt like i have been rape several times..that was how bad my feeling god,so instead i told her that if she was going to vegas with patrick and dylan i wont be going,but we will see what happen to that and for love evolution i finally have the balls to told her that i dont want her in my ride and she told me that she will never ever forgive me,so that was settled..i decided to delete her from every part of my life,i am just curious about how she could live with that decision in her life?well i guess it was her lost afterall.

I am known as a fast recovery person so i guess my life would soon bounce back and i will be on my way to the highest mountain again :)

Selfishness

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 18:08:00 GMT

Selfishness is devotion to or concern with one's own advantage or welfare to the exclusion of regard for others. Science and religion both teach selfishness: That the first rule of life is self preservation, which results in "me first" and the creed of materialism. Selfishness results from the original sin of separateness (separation).Selfishness are a primary or sole concern with one's own welfare. It is the stinginess resulting from a concern for your own welfare and a disregard of others.

A Crossroad Called Lost

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 15:56:32 GMT

Have you ever stand on a crossroad?and take the time forever to think about which way you would want to walk?i have been standing here ever since the 1st time i heard about the news,every night my eyes lay awake my brain sang me a melody of sadness,i want to look away from this road but i have nowhere else to look at,honestly i want everybody to be happy in the end and walk along with me while being happy..i have no idea what to think of myself anymore,for the most recent nights i have had the most nightmare in my entire life,every night a new theme occurs a new situation appears..i felt so scared,never felt so scared in my entire life at all..eventough i am sleeping next to a person i felt as if i wasnt there at all,my soul wasnt there..i wanted to tell myself that i am fine and that is only a nightmare but i could not do anything like that just because the fear is so overwhelming that i cant even look away.

Standing in this crossroad i wish that i would never have to choose,my friends all told me which road i must pick but it all comes down to my own heart,i know which one i have to choose but i rather not see it. Went to the strip club last night and i remembered what my grandma used to told me,do not hate,we have enough hatred in this entire world,everybody hate each other because we are different,everything we do is different,life is different,i always always will have that in my mind..To tell the truth i have no idea what i should think anymore,what i should even do anymore i just felt so lost in this crossroad even before i taken it.

7 days

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 15:08:20 GMT

in just 7 days,i am going to see her again,in just 7 days, i get to be with her again :) i had just miss her so so much after 7 days not being able to touch or to see her.

recently i have no idea why but somewhere deep down inside of me i always want something better for her,something better for her and for myself,i felt like no matter what i did was never enough..is that something bad or something good?i wanted to be there for her birthday or so i will try which is this saturday. Theres just a part of me inside that wants everything to be better and better just for her,day by day i have just read her blog just because i want to know what she was thinking eventough she was not here,i guess this is what you call deeply in love with somebody eh?

last week,i manage to pull off a suprise bday dinner for her as i dint know weather she would find out or not cause i was keeping it in such a low key profile and everybody dint knew who was coming too,i am glad i made her felt happy n that she could leave LA without any problems in her mind,just one tough which was her letting me go for two weeks :)

recently i have been working in alot of new tunes for my podcast,not only that but the next podcast date is scheduled to be on the 25th of july which is this saturday for her birthday :) been planning alot of travelling too so when i come back from wisconsin on august 15th i am heading to vegas on september 11th and also san francisco on october the 3rd which is also the day of the love festival,i would love to head to seattle for freaknight on october 31st too if i got the money and such.

Being Happy

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 05:41:14 GMT

For the last couple of months,i have met her it changed my life completely around..at first i try to stay as paitient as much as i can,with everything that she said or watever i have always believe that i will someday be by her side,taking care of her..just being able to see her happy makes me alot more happier and makes my life complete,altough she may have her flaws but what kind of human dosen't have their own flaws?

it has been such a long time since i felt this way again,the last time i actually felt this way was a couple years ago when i finally acheive something in my life which i really wanted,but with that i have always want better things :) now with her i am just really happy about everything,even when the days go wrong i would still say at least she is by my side and making my day alot more better than it is :)

Last week,altough we got into some arguement i was very very happy that everything worked out in the end with me and her,i was actually very very afraid of the end decision of the quarrel,but in the end she told me that everything is gona be alrite and we both explained our sides of the story :) and i was really really glad that things work out with us in the end,she told me that now i seen the bad side of her would i still love her?my answer was yes right away without no hesitation because the things that she did for me was too good compare to only some flaws she has for her bad side,everything about me n her just seem so perfect eventough it wouldnt be but we both would work around our edges just to fit each other's need.

Never felt so complete in my life,thanks to her :)

Did not felt it

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 09:21:14 GMT

Lately,everything has been going pass my head very very fast and everything has been boiling up,my anger issues somehow kinda got ticked again i dont really know what was going on but as far as i know i am trying to make everything go by so i wont hurt the person i love the most,i love her to death yes but this problem is kinda reacting to me lately,i don't know weather its the sleeping issue or whatever but i just can't really tell everything much,having to slept at 2am and wake up at 3am just to type this somehow sounds wrong to me but i will do anything in my power that i can to rather hurt the person i love the most.

I don't know weather its the feeling of wanting some attention or is it just a phase but that same feeling seem to return to me all over again,i require more attention and more maintaince :( i am just trying to be myself but i guess we will have to see how everything goes :(

Mr Step Dad

Wed, 27 May 2009 04:55:17 GMT

dear step dad,

it is not that i hate you,but towards all of the things that you have done just makes me anger so much towards you,i appriciate everything that you had done for me for so long but there are things that are just making me cant see through it.

the things that you did at home like not washing anything up and letting my mom do it is just totally inexcusable,if there is a man out there that calls himself a man or an husband he would not ever ever ask his wife to do his dishes and so forth. The thing irritates me the most is that you sit at home doing nothing but infront of the computer telling everybody that you are "busy" doing your "work" or whatever it is called is just plain stupid,honestly i have to say that it has been a year since you found a job and you never intended to try harder i guess,being a year without a job you have never seem to want to find something else to do instead of just mopping your ass around the computer.

for example just now when i went downstairs,everything was just everywhere and whenever i cleaned up you would not appriciate it because you would just make more mess,i told my mom why she never came up and told you about the mess but you just seemed to get some anxiety attack after that,i dont get why when you have those so called "attacks" you never wanted to take medications for them or is it because you just love those "attacks",telling everybody you are going to kill yourself and send me stupid emails saying i dont understand anything to tell the truth i find that really childish tho. Lets just face it all you want is your freaking attention.

A real dad dosent nag about how his son cant drive his car,a real dad dosent say that the son cant drive his car,a real dad takes every responsibility for where his son is going and never say about not having time for his son,a real dad basically is not you..eventough you are telling me that you are trying,all i could say is that i lost all respect for you because you never done a single thing that actually made me respect you even the slightest bit. All you did is tell me how you so called want to be my "dad" and in actual fact you even told me how you dont want to be my old man,and let me tell you this here and now,you are everything my dad was and everything my dad will ever be,the only thing that differenciate you from him is your skin tone.

Whenever you told me not to finish some food because you bought them is just plain childish because you could afford more and why would you want to just fight over little food like those?

i could name a million things that you did that makes me hate you so much but for now i will just stop here,i dont care weather you would have an anxiety attack after you read this or whatever you have to know this for yourself.

sincirely
the boy that lives in the house with you

inside my brain

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 20:00:12 GMT

its so funny how a little email would shook me up so badly,i have always take things to the heart no matter it is good or bad,or bad or worst..everything that has happened i never once forgot about it,i had start to think about tien hao too,one of my closest buddy that has been taken away from me by the sea..everything that had happened btween us i had never forgot about it not even once has it ever been slipped trough my brain,not a day i never go thinking about those times where i spend all those time on kenyalang park with everybody else.

i don't know what i should think recently,i have been really really scared about everything..not only one thing but everything else too,if theres something that is wrong with me i hope to find out soon.

family problems

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 04:44:46 GMT

i remembered when i used to know this quote that says "everything comes with a price" i guess the happiness in my life too comes with a life,everything that i have right now that makes me really happy and complete comes with a complete price of family troubles.

things with my step dad aint getting really well too,last year around summer time..stuff like this seemed to happened too thats paticularly one reason why i dont let my headphones out of my head whenever he is around,to tell the truth,he just annoys me so much..everything that he said and do is just very overwhelming to me,there was once my grandma and my brother told me that "white people always do something simple and makes it really complicated" and to me i felt that that was exactly true,everything about it was true too..well not all white people are like that but just this paticular one that i live with just kind of makes everything around so simple to make it so complicated,dont get me wrong he is a nice guy..but overall i think that he is just utterly trying too hard to be "my dad" and he should understand that i grew up without one and i would end up without one,with or without him.

to my mom,my step-dad is just making her stress worst and worst day by day,the other night she had just told me that she has chest pains and i honestly say that she should take a vacation for abit,like go back home for a month or two,she has been so stressed that i myself is worried about her..she has alot of things on her mind at the same time too.i sure hope she will break through this stage

she send me an email explaining about rules in the house which she told me everyday which dosent really makes sense to me,cause she knows that i dont bring beer to the room and such,just because there is an empty bottle there dosent mean i drank it all or something eh,and she told me not to stay in the room the whole time and not help clean around the house,the matter of fact is that everytime i clean is swear that my step dad would step in and mess it all up again,i am actually kind of sick and tired of him messing up the house so frequently that i am giving up cleaning the house,but that dosent mean that i would stop cleaning the house dont get me wrong,but he certainly need to learn how to clean up his own shit,justl ike today he walked into my room,pulls the sleeping bag out,and left it on the floor all around while i was standing there looking at him,the funny part is that he could actually smile at me and walked away just like that.

living there for a year now,just explains why my brother cant stand staying at home all the time and try to vent,but i seriously dont blame my mom for being stressed at this state because she carry the weight of the world on her shoulders,but she also have to know that i have something called a life and something called schedules as i dont have any free time at all due to everything that i am doing.